And so the race is on...
The pressure of school life looms once again. This time, it is quite different because I feel that it is a greater pressure than I have ever encountered before. After graduating in college, here am I once again, a first year student. This time a law student. A student of a professional school. Very adult and very sophisticated to hear. (Though I still worry about the possible situations of class suspensions due to storm because CHED doesn't usually declare anything for law students/professional school). I still can't believe that I am already in this stage. I can still remember all the long and slow days of elementary and high school. Now, I am in law school. It is just like a dream. It seems so fast. I feel old. Haha.
After attending the OrSem, reality bit me hard last Friday when I realized how long and many were the cases that we were required to read. I felt weak and scared. Suddenly, the determined me, started to think about such shaky thoughts of fear, reluctance, and uncertainty. That night, instead of starting to read, I kept on trying to organize the cases which I planned to print regardless of the ink and paper required. The following day I had to request for the assistance of my father regarding the photocopied materials. Time, energy, and money. Truly spent, and somehow quite wasted on a stressful Saturday. I stopped printing, and gave up on it. The readings are still not complete because of some anomalies. Instead of stressing out because of the cases to read, I was stressed out because of some unavailabilities and wasted time. The day ended without me starting at all. Sunday came and I still went to church to ask for guidance and blessing. I had to. Even if it meant some time wasted. Then I found myself cramming. Everything was almost complete already, and the only thing missing was a prepared and knowledgeable me. I realized how much time I have definitely wasted because of worrying and because of stressing out. Lesson learned.
Another stressful element was the parasitic entity which I have no choice but to coexist with. I started to give hints that I was tired of being a source of a parasitic entity. I have to be civil, strict, and strong as much as possible. I am a type of person who likes to be pulled up and hates being dragged down because of a burdensome entity I have to coexist with. In the end, because of personality clash, perhaps the possibility of the both of us collapsing is increasing every moment. Such a messy, clumsy, careless, talkative, and even disrespectful entity. Somehow I get the feeling about how she looks down on me. Well the feeling's mutual, because honestly I am looking down at all people. So I had to be firm and selfish once in a while. I can't always consent to such a parasitic activity. It is so not me to tolerate such. I feel both guilty and selfish. But I still believe I have to do it by myself and not risk being dragged down by others. I have to pull up myself, possibly ask help from better people, and not dragged down by such a parasite. Thanks to the Great person in my right who always helped me. However, somehow, I feel so below others. I have to pull myself up and prove myself once again. I can't afford to mess up.
The entire week was so tiring for me. I had to read long cases, many cases, in a short time. Before I knew it, it was time to eat, and before I knew it, it was time to go to school. Then I have to tolerate all the annoying questions of the parasite. I always wanted a peaceful life especially on my way to school or on my way home. But I end up being obligated to speak to such an annoying entity. Forgive me God for this thought and feeling. But I really feel so burdened that I cannot concentrate on bringing myself up anymore because I have something pulling my leg down. Somehow I am delighted to learn about the transfer. This would definitely put some end to my suffering. I had to tolerate one week of a burdensome annoyance, and a week of academic pressure regarding recitations. I failed twice. Then I am totally unsure about my written exam. How depressing. I feel challenged and pressured, that I can feel that all of them seem to be excelling except me. Here I am just simply hoping to pass. This is so not me. I am supposed to hope to be the top student and not merely to pass. My fear has come. I have this pressured feeling of not being able to keep up with others. Many of them I suppose were and are achievers, like my new twilight friend. I feel so challenged to beat them all, especially her. After reading her musings, I find her very airy beyond that simple and sweet image. In the end, I have resolved that she is definitely a rival whom I have to beat. In fact I find everyone a rival. I feel their air. All of them have their own weapons of their own. Beyond those deceiving "humble" responses and smiles are very dangerous minds that I have to fight with. I always thought I can keep up with the brain if I can't keep up with the mouth. In the end, I was a weakling for both. A sad realization. But indeed a challenge for me. I really do have to keep up no matter what. I have to excel as what I have done in the past (like my 1st year college). I am after all a Quezonian. Because excellence is my middlename. My life is about hope, love, and excellence. I have the ability to tap that power within me once again. I just need a little time to find the trigger so I can fire away. I have to do this alone. I am, after all, as what some say, the silent fighter. Like a phoenix, I will be born once again from a perilous death. And from such resurrection springs a brighter light of hope that is absolutely greater and more powerful than the previous life. This is my dispositive portion. I hereby grant and affirm it. So ordered. Aja! Ganbarimasu!
P.S. After all those cases which I still failed to complete to read and after studying some of them, I am already starting to unconsciously include some of my learnings in my everyday life thinking.
P.P.S. I am relieved that somehow I was given another time to relax and continue my fangirling and netsurfing routines after such a long and difficult week. I actually feel that I was gone for months. Weird feeling. Somehow I really feel how long it was because it was also difficult. Oh God, please help me pass that subject! Onegaishimasu!
P.P.P.S. And so it begins. The battle is on. I have to do my best.
An Ending and a New Beginning
It has been 4 months since I posted here. I've always wanted to post sooner. But I always get pinned down by my other activities. Nevertheless, I will try my best to recall the highlights of my life after my last post.
The new year came and I was still anxious about my status as a student running for honors. I have been depressed by the cramming incident from TSE book report. I kept on hoping for a new opportunity to come in order to make it up from that incident. I kept on hoping, I felt guilty, and in the end I never really got to have any opportunity to prove myself. Then I told myself to just work hard on other subjects, focus on my thesis, etc. Another thing that even made me feel down was the release of the lae results. Although at the back of my mind I really thought that I don't have the chance to make it, another part of me felt sad and worried why I can't ever get in. Since I was a child I always thought I would study in that institution. When I did not make it to that institution in college, I told myself that I can always enter in that institution when I will take up my graduate studies. But then reality hit me hard once again. I felt like a blacklisted applicant. Since then I told myself to root for my second choice. I asked my IL prof and MsB to do my recommendations. I kept on visiting the website and always wishing to make it there. I did not make it in college but perhaps I have a chance in grad studies. I never really reviewed so hard for the entrance exam. I scheduled my review but I kept on postponing it due to my thesis. The day before the test, I actually finished my chapter 5 in thesis. Then I remember even watching MMK while trying to review my notes in my laereview. The exam day came, and I was too excited that I came very early. I was probably the 1st or 2nd to arrive. During the exam I felt that my jaw stiffened. Nevertheless I took the exam. I thought I was doing great but there was a part when I actually had to guess 20 numbers because of the time limit. I toured the school and felt the place. I love to study there. It's a peaceful environment. Classrooms are airconditioned, it has its own Rex, nice landscaping and architecture. Wow. Although I felt unsure about my results because of the 20-question guessing incident.
After that, my jaw hurts. It seems that my TMJ attacks for the first time.
The event that changed my life and my whole status as a student running for honors was our thesis defense. We were pressured the day before because of the candidacy of becoming best. We tried hard to repeat our steps from the previous sem, and tried to make it better. But the day came, and finally, boom. My dreams of being the best were shattered. I wept by myself after getting home. I locked myself in the room only to reflect on things. It was a sad day for me. I already know that I'm no longer the1st among my class. I already knew that I can't be 1st among the batch and my only chance was the class, but then it also vanished. My only chance is the latin. Period. It seems that the aa can't be mine as well, no matter how good I was at calculating my opponents' grades. In the end, I can only get the latin. I envied mk because she has a sure special award. Since then, towards our final class project, I felt myself sliding down to my worst. I got late for a number of times, and I can't even keep my word. I felt like a useless leader. After all the thesis revisions and all the other requirements, we were finally free. Pomp and Circumstance by Elgar seems to be playing in my mind already. But aside from that, other things worried me: my rank/award, and my law school. I want to scratch the law school part because what really worried me was passing specifically in ALS. At that time I was never really serious yet about my SBC application because I was really hoping for ALS. I got my grades but I never dared to ask my opponents about theirs. I didn't want to get disappointed. Somehow, my blink a.k.a. esp abilities worked perfectly. I knew that ba got the aa and mk overtook me. But I still kept on hoping. I kept on praying very hard even though I know it was useless.
March 14 came. I have finally confirmed it. My questions are already answered. Acad and mun diplo awardees were recognized by the President PBL. It was cool to stand on stage and all that, but at the back of my mind I felt so embarrassed because I wasn't able to get what I was really hoping for. It's actually a shame to be overtaken by my opponent because of 1 grade. Then a part of me was telling myself, "it's gonna be ok, coz you have a latin and you got in the 10 anyway." I also kept on hoping that despite this shameful outcome I will be able to redeem myself by passing ALS. But I have to wait for weeks for that.
After all the stressful class days, I was able to revive my youthfulness thanks to mi heroina. She was very kind and generous to share all the je dvds. I love jdoramas. 1 liter made me cry. Prodai made me smile. 1 Pound made me laugh. Nobuta, Kurosagi, and Byakkotai, made me love P-chan more. Through all the things she shared I learned a lot of values and life lessons, and I was truly hooked into je fangirling. P and Ryo became my favorites. I felt like being high school again. I also got conscious of all photo ops because of prodai. I have learned to cherish every moment of my life and record them with a smile in pictures. Otherwise, I might regret it in the future. I don't want to regret anything, so I enjoyed my remaining days with my blockmates. All those short moments of joy are priceless to reminisce in the future. I have become sentimental about all these things. Certainly we can't turn back time. So we have to "live like there is no tomorrow." Haha I love the concept of "Hallelujah Chance"!
On my father's bday celeb, my eldest sis also came home for a vacation. Everyone was happy. Everyday was a feast. Everyday was a special day to treasure. I looked back during the times when I felt quite sad when she left. Whew time flies really fast. It has been 2 years already! Now I can face her more maturely than last year when I came to the US to visit her.
Graduating is equal to nostalgia. Before recognition day, I felt sad that college is about to end. I posted pictures in my multiply. I realized how prolific pictures are nowadays especially with the digicams that emerged. I noticed how few my pictures are back in first and second year. My sophomore was probably my downest chapter. Junior was a taking flight zoom chapter. Senior was a oh-no-it's-ending-let's-take-lots-of-pictures-na chapter. 2007 is a travel year for me. From the US to Tagaytay to Batangas to Bataan. Wow.
Graduation practices are fun. I've gotten used to wear a toga in such a short period. I could probably compete with speed in pinning my hood. I was probably an expert in pinning my hood. Haha. I love talking to mi heroina about je. I love going to chowking and jollibee by walking through the gradeschool area and crossing a street with my lunchmates. I love singing for baccmass. Another je thing I've learned: cherish my youth and perform well in everything like singing or dancing.
Graduation day finally came. Thank you very much God! Arigatou gozaimashita! Muchas gracias! Finally! I got a degree! After all the hardships I have been through! It was truly nice to stand up on stage and be proclaimed a graduate, a latin-er, and a 9-er. Haha. I was quite sad that I wasn't able to take pictures as much as I have expected. The dinner at "Japan" was very memorable as well, especially with the je fangirl in me. I love to eat using chopsticks. The bar results came out as well as we switched on the tv in "Japan" and an ALSer came out on top. Somehow it gave me the chills about my results. I have realized that behind my happiness on graduating with the latin, is a worrying applicant. I prayed even harder "onegaishimasu, God".
April 1 came. My father always asked me about the results but I kept on telling him it's not up yet since office hours are in the afternoon. Around 2am I thought there were no results yet. It seems that the results came out on another link. I saw mfl's name but I did not see mine. I scrolled down too fast. I repeated it. And I saw mine. Woooooah! Yatta! I made it! Teary-eyed, I printed the page and relaxed while thanking God with all my heart. I can't believe it! Prayer answered! Yatta! Arigatoooou! I told my middle sis, texted my father, and my mother. We watched Happy Feet. Yipee! Then I realized some signs that God gave me which I ignored because I don't want to get disappointed but now I'm happy to have the signs:
1. my dark blue pawikan shirt (ALS color) which I wore on our grade claiming day
2. my urge to get a TOR and transfer of credentials even though there are still no results
3. my urge to buy a blue fan
4. my father, mother, and sis being excited for the results, and even Mr. Richard from Leyte
5. my nice feeling during the exam day
6. my daydreams about driving to/from ALS
7. bar results on my grad dinner regarding the topnotcher from ALS
I still took my SBC exam. I saw an SSA batchmate, and talked to Bea who also took the test. I was worried about the abstract part. Though I don't really have to worry because I made it to ALS. However, a part of me tells me that it would be a shame not to pass SBC. That same day we got a new cellphone. I totally love it. It's such a cool reward for all my achievements. Maido ari!
By the 10th of April, I enrolled in ALS. Officially an ALS student. The day did not go as I expected. I was late than planned, brown-out, the line is quite long, mfl left for scholarship, became too perspired, quite stupid for the computer process, quite stupid for the library process. I was alone. Nobody really guided me that much. Suddenly I missed the smoothness of the MC process. I went home, still quite in shock, while my eldest sis prepared to go back to the US. SBC results came and thank God I made it. Now I can say I made it to two schools and I had two options. Unlike what happened to me in college when I had no choice but to enter my third choice. Other highlights occurred: family pic taking, first time paraffin-er, haircut, hair spa, new external harddrive, newly reformatted pc.
Next highlight was a shameful experience. I was too naive to respond to a sor's text. I almost attended the dinner. Thank God for my mother and father's hunch. Thank God for mfl's text and advice. My worry now is if they are going to stalk me or if I gave them a reason to be angry or what. Please God, make them leave me alone. I don't want any of those to happen to me ever. I just want to study and graduate and pass the bar with flying colors. I don't want any of those social stuff. We visited ppmall and got culture-shocked with the expensive lifestyle. Nevertheless, I am going to study well so I can maximize my 60grand. I'm both excited and nervous about entering ALS. Excited to enter a prestigious school and finally learn about law, and nervous about my academic chances and well as social standing. The upcoming intro2law class is such a scary thing. I hope I can do it. Aja. Ganbarimasu!
My vacation is nearing it's end. Yet I haven't read and watched the things I have been dying to read and watch. I have been too hooked with fbook and je. But then all I can say is that I am enjoying my all before I enter law school. No summer classes for me. I'm a complete bum. Because once I enter ALS, a lot of things will be sacrificed in the name of my acads, career, finance, and 6ogrand. Until now, only few people know about my ALS. I want to tell them but somehow I am not too confident enough because I'm not sure if I can really survive in it. So I guess I can tell them when I'm done with my sophie year. Just like when I was in college. I only had my friendster after my sophie year.
I have few weeks to go. I miss my friends, I miss MUN, I miss my hs and college classmates. College has ended. I am 20, definitely an adult. But I still want the youthful side of me to remain. Now, I'm about to enter a new world. ALS, here I come. So help me God... Yoroshiku onegaishimasu!
P.S. But before all that, I will still continue to enjoy my youthful je fangirling and my interest in j-stuff.
