A Challenge
School started already. My first day of school was just fine. I met new classmates and potential buddies, new teachers and I have also seen my former blockmates. I am really starting to miss my blockmates and our bonding. It has really happened. We are finally on our chosen careers. I am a bonafide student of my college and officially an i.s. student. Although I am happy and hopeful about facing the future, I am still quite in a freshman life hang-over. I still have vivid memories of my first year life and I am still reflecting how fast time really flies that I almost did not notice that I have finally reached the end of my first year life. It is now time for me to move on and do my best this time.
At first, I was comfortable enough to face the tough sophomore life. But eventually, I have found out that it is definitely very different from what I have seen, felt and experienced during my freshman year. The teachers are different and very "high" that I easily got intimidated and pressured. They are expecting a lot from us and because of the pressure, I tend to become pessimistic. Although I really tried hard to understand and be optimistic about it, I still felt that there is something wrong. I felt very alone and pressured. The subjects are very difficult and painful to hear! Being an i.s. major, as what I have been hearing is indeed difficult, and I can feel it already! It is just the first days of my sophomore life and yet, I feel so pressured, tired, exhausted, and even frightened. the feeling that I have been trying to conceal worsened even more when I saw the dl posted and found out that I am not really what I thought I am. Despite my own effort to think positive, my mind still kept bugging me with a lot of negative thoughts. Will I be able to reach my goal again? Or will I just always remember the good old days while I see myself slowly falling and distancing from the materialization of my goals? I really feel so bad about not making it last 1st-2nd. The one who toppled me off must be having a bloated head right now, what she doesn't know is that she is not afterall one of the chosen three. Despite telling that to boost back my confidence, I still can't control myself in resenting that the 1st-2nd list will be the basis for the d.a. awarding ceremony. I am also quite challenged and threatened with my smart classmates, and also with my higher-level-classmates. I also feel so alone because most of the people I know have better schedules than mine. Other courses are also much easier that what I am taking, thus giving me a very low confidence that i will make it on 2nd-1st and 2nd-2nd.
It seems that my confidence and my intelligence level are very down these past few days since the start of the sem. I feel so vulnerable, stupid, weak and down. I hope I can still boost myself and find hope once again...
I miss my summer vacation! I feel so tired with my schedule! My schedule is really difficult! I hope I can still make it on top on 2nd-1st and 2nd-2nd. I wish and hope and pray that I will still be an h-s next year.
Huh... another year, another challenge. I know that in someway, somehow, I'll make it...
God... help me please!!!
posted by Quintessence @ 12:10 AM
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